Did you know that [counter] people have been having a skeg at my little autonomous region?


On the Eleventh Day of Christmas


Although 2014 is well underway, today I lashed out with a new resolution to stay away from Sainsbury’s. I’m trying so hard to be thin and healthy for the New Year so when I walked into their Chippenham branch this evening I was frankly appalled to be confronted by the Common Market Hot Crossed Bun Mountain. Perhaps it was my imagination or my belly playing tricks on me but it seemed to have a little flag stuck in the top of it bearing the words ‘Come and eat me Terry Mullan’. Furthermore, they were flogging off the components of this magnificent structure at only 60p for a packet of four. To make matters even worse, they were just how I like them which is undercooked so that they’re not all light and fluffy but a bit heavy and stodgy causing them to feel like they’re sticking to your ribs on the way down. Any road, I mobilised my cast iron will, I stuck all ten fingers up at the vulgar consumerism that accompanies Easter these days and, as soon as I’d bought my bottle of high fibre calorie-free wine, I left the place never to return.

The wine was to be my last for a long, long time. Some friends came to my house this evening for a bit of a festive get together. Well today is the eleventh day of Christmas so I felt we should be celebrating. I celebrated further after they had gone, but not because they had gone because I really do quite like them. Instead I celebrated because there was no further need for me to eat, drink and be merry. I took the time to savour and enjoy my final glass of wine in the knowledge that there would be no more alcohol pickling my innards for quite some months to come. So really tonight I broke and restarted in earnest a resolution that I made on New Year’s Day and, for the time being, all celebratory drinks will be of a teapot nature.

Another reason to be jolly was the fact that my home was stripped bare of Christmas decorations today. I find that seeing the place void of glitter and clutter utterly uplifting and liberating. Though I did hang my head in shame as I contemplated my decoration-free status at a point in the year when there was still one day of Christmas to go.

Did you know that Easter Sunday is only 107 days away?


My Bosnian teapot adorned with all that remains of my Christmas decorations.

My Bosnian teapot adorned with all that remains of my Christmas decorations.

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