Did you know that [counter] people have been having a skeg at my little autonomous region?


On the Fifth Day of Christmas


On a scale of one to five, with one being thrilling and five being downright monotonous, I would have given today a ten.

I could have found things to do but I just couldn’t be bothered. Does that happen to you? Most days I’m ready to take on the whole world and others I feel too lethargic to even take on the two metres of the world that lie between my duvet and my bedroom door. I thought that if I lay there long enough this morning an earthquake would come along and I would be able to just slide out of bed and downstairs without having to put any effort in at all. I was a little ashamed of myself for being so lazy but then none of us are perfect. Even San Andreas has his faults.

Watching out carefully for the earth opening up and swallowing me in an almighty tectonic chasm, I walked into town and got a new mobile phone. It might have sounded more interesting had I said that I bought myself a new phone but I didn’t. I got it free. Having met my contractual obligation with Vodkafone I had become entitled to what they call an ‘upgrade’ which is gadget-speak for a new phone. I met my contractual obligation way back in June but I’m not a lover of gadgets and simply just couldn’t be bothered going into a shop full of people who could only speak gadget-speak and who would no doubt palm me off with a little plastic item that could carry out all sorts of amazing tasks for me were it not for the fact that the keys on the touch screen keyboard were only one tenth of the size of the ends of my fingers.

Any road, today I bit the bullet and braved putting my head round the shop door to be welcomed by an attractive young lady from whose mouth spewed vile and demonic utterances from the world of Apple. In my mind I likened her to Eve in the Garden of Eden except that Eve only had one string to her bow as although we all know about the Apple that brought her fame and notoriety, she hadn’t been familiar with Samsung or Nokia kit.  I came away with a new phone which is really good because it’s beautifully black and shiny; and it came in a carrier bag which I really needed because I’d run out of bags to put my kitchen waste in. A good deal, I thought. Getting the thing fired up and working didn’t hurt a bit and now I can announce to the world much more quickly that I’m having something skinny in Costa, or I’m on the train to somewhere that nobody else in the world gives a toss about, or I’ve pissed my pants.  

The lady in the shop seemed really excited because my new mobile has got a really good camera on it. When I got it home I fiddled around with the damned thing for hours but couldn’t find a really good camera anywhere. I could only find a crappy little one with a lens smaller in size than an aspirin so I decided to stick with my proper big camera that I’ve had since Adam was a lad and just use the phone for phoning people up.

However, just for curiosity’s sake, I took one photograph with the new contraption to see if it worked and, as today is the fifth day of Christmas, I snapped a snap of my Christmassy Christmas tree.


The first photograph ever taken using my brand new portable telephone apparatus.

The first photograph ever taken using

my brand new portable telephone apparatus.


Number of comments: 1

31/12/2013 01:32:35 - Tom Brannigan

Happy new year Luddite!!