Did you know that [counter] people have been having a skeg at my little autonomous region?


On the First Day of Christmas (Minus One)


Did you know that if you do it all traditional and proper, the first day of Christmas is really 25th December so that’s the day the celebrating should really start and that’s the day we should be putting up the decorations? Twelve days later is 5th January and that’s when the glittering glory should all be brought down again; a festive regulation that people seem happy to go along with anyway.

This may shock you but, having always been a bit of a maverick, I’ve run the risk of ruining Christmas as my decorations are up already even though there are still nearly two hours of Christmas Eve to go. In fact, all the preparations seem to be complete. Today, to put the finishing touches to it all, I went out and bought the Yuletide box of Anadin Extra and a party pack of toilet rolls so all I need to do now is lie back with a funnel in my mouth and let the deluge of food and drink be decanted into me.


Me waiting for Christmas to kick off more than fifty years ago.

Me waiting for Christmas to kick off. Not tonight though. This picture was taken more than fifty years ago.


I like this bit. I’m tucked up in my house with my lovely family and all the festive fury of the rest of the world is locked outside. There are no shopping days to Christmas, though I expect that somewhere in an office not far away, a group of regional sales directors are being reminded that there are only 365 shopping days to go to Christmas.

Any road, it’s Christmas Eve babe, in the drunk tank. My daughter said to me, “Do you want another one?” as she passed me a bottle of strong drink.

So if you’re reading this, whoever you are and wherever you are and whatever your beliefs are, I hope the next few days are merry and bright and filled with holly and ivy and pigs (or a Halal equivalent) in blankets and all that follows is equally as good. Our house is full of all this stuff, in fact more than we need, so I hope someday you’ll join us and the world can live as one.


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