Did you know that [counter] people have been having a skeg at my little autonomous region?


Post nasal depression


Today I travelled to Melksham. Feel privileged that I have told you this because it’s the sort of thing I don’t like many people to know about. I only go there to cut people’s toenails or to have carnal knowledge of root vegetables . . . one of these pastimes is much more common than the other so see if you can guess which one and win a lovely prize.

As well as spending time in Wiltshire’s favourite pig breeding town I spent some time today at the end of my tether as three of my punters failed to keep their appointments. It’s a good job I didn’t feel like working anyway otherwise I’d have got jolly cross.

Today, I have got to say, was well and truly dull. My first born child is back at university on a chemotherapy course (learning about chemotherapy that is, not having it), second born is working in the press office at Manchester United Football Club all week and third born is back at her seat of learning in magnificent Maastricht. I am very proud of all my beautiful offspring but I’m even more envious of them so I had an almost past its sell by date chicken and stuffing sandwich from Tesco to cheer myself up.

My dreaded lurgy cold nasty snotty ailment has almost gone now and I’m about 95% match fit. This cold hasn’t been the worst cold I have ever had but it has produced the worst post cold nasty shit up my nostrils gunk that I have ever known. A man from Wessex Water saw me blowing my nose in the street and said that I could never get my sinuses linked up to the national sewage system because dolphins would die. This muck tastes, looks and smells horrible and I’m afraid to say that even whiskey doesn’t seem to have helped tonight.

Changing my bed sheets now that the fever has subsided has brought smilingness to my face though. Simple things, eh?


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