Did you know that [counter] people have been having a skeg at my little autonomous region?


January Joy


People seem to think it’s acceptable to moan and groan about January. They just don’t realise that I love January. In fact I’m a hopeless Januphile. I complain a little bit about the terrible gluttonous debauchery that goes on in the final week of December and these same people have the front to call me Scrooge and venomously spit the words ‘bah humbug’ at me. So now it’s my turn to tell them what miserable, negative gits they are.

January is a wonderful and positively uplifting time of year. It may not be noticeable just yet but the evenings are gradually getting lighter. Bulbs and buds are springing forth as our gardens begin to emerge from their winter slumbers. Warmer days are on their way, the more positive members of our population are making resolutions to make their lives better, it is highly unlikely that we will hear a song by Wham or Shakin’ Stevens in a shopping centre, birds are throwing together a few ideas about building a new nest and the new Argos catalogue is out.

I have more than a resolution though. I have a three year plan to make my life better. I won’t bore you with the fine detail as it’s still a bit of a work in progress but it starts with me working all the hours that a Supreme Being, if he or she exists, sends us and feeling knackered and fat all the time. It ends with me having some leisure time during the week, a healthy diet, an exercise programme that I can adhere to without falling off my bike because I’ve fallen asleep, a lot less money spent in the mortgage department of the Santander bank and a lot more money spent in Sub-Saharan Africa, South America and the pub. My plan also involves getting rid of a loft full of shit, a cat and a four bedroom detached house so if anybody has the need for any of those then please get in touch.

I’ve always been a bit of a lightweight Communist so it’s probably not surprising that this has turned out to be what you might call my Glorious Three Year Plan rather than the full Stalinist five years, but at least I now have a plan. In fact I reckon that even three years is a bit too long for my impatient little mind but three years is definitely do-able and I get excited every time I think about it and add to it.

The very, very first stage is to get myself a bit fitter so that I can approach my challenge with a mind and body filled with enthusiasm and energy. I also need to get fitter because I’m going on a big bike ride seven weeks on Saturday. So the mother of all diets commenced today and I reckon that if I lose a stone in weight per week between now and 23 February I will have got off to a reasonable start.

So, before I toddle off to bed with a hearty supper of reduced sugar cress and a huge glass of Weight Watchers’ brand water, I wish all my devoted readers a Happy New Year and I hope your January is as wonderful as mine will be.

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